Moments

Because I needed a hug today

Because I needed a hug today

It’s one of those moments in life where it’s far too difficult to face yourself, yet you know you must if you’re ever to survive. You’ve let yourself down in some monumental way, or perhaps it’s the same mistake repeatedly. The feeling to run and hide can be overwhelming, and for me it was. This is my story of depression. I’ve never written or even really spoken of it my entire life because I thought I could beat it on my own. Here’s proof that I haven’t.

I’ve had depression, severe depressions, since I was a kid. Coming clean and talking about anything that makes me less than perfect is something I’ve chosen not to do until now. What these symptoms, along with my own bad decisions, have led me to commit shames me. Why would I want people to see that? Put into perspective though, these things are nothing outrageously terrible. For me however, my mistakes could cost me my future.

My education is quite literally all I have that is my own. My future is what I hold on to. That promise of better. I boil up in side when people say it will get better. I’ve actually started to scream at them, I scream that I’ve been waiting 15+ years for things to be better. I’m sick of hearing it, and I’m sick of hoping; and yet here I am. Hoping. My education is the only way out, and it seems I’ve failed.

I need to put this out there, and it is not for bragging purposes but purely to show that I am perfectly capable of passing. I use to be a straight A student, and that comes with minimal effort. Within this year though my attendance waned, and my work load piled up, something that has NEVER happened to me. I freaked, just straight-up broke the fuck down. I can’t pin-point the reason of this break-down, but it completely and utterly consumed me. All I saw was darkness. I got so behind in my school work that it became physically impossible for me to catch up. So I didn’t. Three classes…failed. Three very important classes might I add. Failed.

I made the decision that I needed outside help because my dreams are massive and not for the weak of will, and I refuse to go down without a fight. Even if the enemy is me. I have wild dreams of being a top professor at Oxford with documentaries and books written by me soaring the internet and stores. I want to travel the world as an activist and fix the things I read about in the papers. I want to do all of these things and more, and sometimes it feels as if I’ll burst. I know I cannot do all of these thing, but I’ll work towards them none the less. I can still teach, and I can still protest what matters to me. But it will never be enough.

My outside help was a therapist and the thing I dreaded most, medication. It dulls me. It dulls my writing and it dulls my senses, but it’s easier to just be. So the question ends up being, do I choose to lose what really makes me me, the fire and the passion, but gain a general balance, the ability to function? Do I want the white fence, SUV and kids? Or do I choose the all-consuming chaos that will destroy me in the end so that I can have that fierce passion? I can choose to feel things, or I can choose not to.

I will always choose fire.

.

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18 thoughts on “Moments

  1. Zenith, ambitious firey stranger. It’s never that serious. but i too would like to meet you…not to talk about depression,or drugs or anything that dulls. If i met you, i imagine, i would stare…Awkwardly stare at you,to catch the fire am sure burns in your eyes. Then maybe, i would hug you,in the way strange soulmates would. Then we’d go out and eat marshmallows,dream and write stories.
    (That is how much i loved the post)

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  2. It’s a tough decision. For me, I haven’t quit feeling all emotion. I’m stable now, though. I’m generally happier. I laugh a lot more. You can see the difference in my writing now and then. Then I was always writing about my struggles. Now I’m writing about my children and being funny (I hope).

    It has taken an edge off of my writing, sure. Emotional writing is much more attractive to a reader than not. However, my depression manifested itself in horrible mood swings along with highs and lows. I was short with people. Especially my children. I don’t want them to grow up with a father who’s pissed all the time, so I decided to stay on the medication.

    So while that means there’s less fodder for my blog, every other aspect of my life has gotten significantly better. There are many choices for the medications you can take. A good doctor wouldn’t want you on a medication that renders you incapable of feeling any emotion whatsoever, so if you start to feel that way you can ask to change to a different medicine.

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    • I’ve always been apathetic so almost any drug makes me unbearable to my friends but I am on two different meds and I think I figured out it was the ativan that was numbing me the most so I will take in only in emergencies. I think you are brave though, i am afraid of loosing who I am because I’m not miserable, which is what I’ve always been. so thank you for the hope.

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      • Have you talked to your doctor about trying a different drug? I’m on prozac and risperidone. The combination has worked well for me…since I stopped drinking…

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      • I haven’t even been on this stuff for a week and the ativan is temporary until I get some coping mechanism from my therapist and just taking the other stuff I didn’t feel as bad. I need to give this one a fair chance also without drinking.

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  3. I have always been sort of depressed as well. I grew up with it and came to a point where I believed it was just a part of who I am. I broke down last year and as much as I hated it, I voluntarily went to a therapist who prescribed medication and lots of mental exercises. I never took the medication though. I thought I’d try the exercises first and then see if I needed the meds. It was all fine, I was a lot better for a while but now I’m back to square one and I’m trying to get through the day without breaking down every other minute. I’ve just re-started all the things I did the first time around. I don’t know if it’s going to work but I’m going to try. So relatable. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Amazing..

    PS – I will always choose fire too..

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  4. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
    ― Winston S. Churchill

    “Just because you fail once doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything.”
    ― Marilyn Monroe

    “All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
    ― Samuel Beckett

    If you look at life, you are not lost until you allow yourself to be,
    as for education, you are already more educated than all the people that lived a century ago,
    but you know what, that didn’t stopped those people from being great,
    so shouldn’t it stop you from doing it now.

    they breathed greatness then, you can do it now.

    some things to remember:

    1.failure is a better teacher than success.
    learn what it has to serve.

    2.you are not supposed to accomplish all of your goals.
    almost all of them are there to get you off your ass and experience things as you do them,
    if you achieve something, good
    if you face and feel some thing, great.

    3.you will die with items left unchecked on your to-do list.
    but that shouldn’t make your life an air-filled drill to do anything and everything,
    instead do the things which matter the most and enjoy every moment of life as you live it.
    let things get away undone, its as important as doing things.

    4.most of people don’t know what they hell they are doing with their life.
    so just enjoy the journey, because it’s finite, so better make it a hell of a ride.

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